Understanding Secure Attachment

When it comes to mental health, secure attachment plays a crucial role in shaping how we connect with others and view ourselves. While you may have heard about secure attachment, have you ever wondered if there is a way to assess if you have a secure attachment? Dr. Diane Poole Heller, in her book "The Power of Attachment," provides insightful questions to help you evaluate your attachment style.

Here are some key questions to consider:

- Do you want to be close to others, find it easy to connect, and expect relationships to go well?
- Do you feel relaxed most of the time with the people who are close to you?
- Do you transition between alone time and time together fluidly and without much difficulty?
- Do you and your partner apologize easily and work for win-win solutions to any conflicts that arise?
- Do you believe that people are basically good at heart?
- Is it important to you to meet the needs of the people who are close to you?
- Do you easily and clearly ask to have your own needs met?
- Are you present with your loved ones and free yourself from distractions when connecting?
- Do you work to maintain safety in your relationships, and do you protect those with whom you feel close?
- Do you look forward to spending time with your partner and friends?
- Are you affectionate with those with whom you feel close?
- Do you respect others' needs for privacy?
- How important are healthy boundaries to you?
- Do you leave when things aren’t going well in a relationship, knowing there are other great options for fulfilling relationships?
- Do you make time to play regularly?

These questions provide a window into understanding secure attachment. Reflecting on them can help you identify areas where you feel confident and areas that may need more attention.

Our early childhood experiences significantly influence our attachment styles. Being securely attached typically means that during childhood, you experienced protection, presence/support, autonomy, interdependence, relaxation, trust, and resilience from your primary caregivers. While basic needs like food, water, and shelter are essential, emotional and psychological needs are equally important for developing a secure attachment.

However, no one experiences a perfect childhood or fully attuned parents. Imperfections and mistakes are natural, and addressing them can lead to growth. Research indicates that if our emotional and psychological needs are not met consistently, it can impact our attachment style.

Here's the good news - we have the power to increase our secure attachments in adulthood. Even if you struggle with connections, there is hope, and you can shift your attachment style over time. If you answered no to many of the questions above it might be time to reach out for professional help through counseling. Secure attachment is not about achieving perfection but about striving for healthier, more fulfilling connections. By understanding and working on your attachment style, you can create stronger, more resilient relationships that enhance your overall well-being.