This month I had the opportunity to sit down with Leanne Rahn, a Fiduciary Financial Advisor, after recognizing the overlap that happens between our emotional health and finances. There is a common theme that seems to come up in counseling sessions with young women - stress about finances. If you ever think “I just want to be able to spend my money without feeling guilty” or “I just want to be able to pay my bills and have money left over to do the things I want to do” you’re in the right place. Keep reading as we answer the questions we get most and by the end of this post, we’ll leave you with a doable challenge you can take to move in the right direction financially.

Money is always a stressor - why is this a recurring pattern in my life?

Leanne: First off, I want to say you are not alone. Money is often a burden and signals stress in so many people’s lives. However, money does not have to be this way. So how do we get to the bottom of this tense topic and prune back the bad? We have to examine the roots - our roots. I want you to stop and think about how money was talked about in your home. Maybe how money wasn’t talked about. What patterns did you see growing up? Maybe money was a scarcity and fear was the main emotion you witnessed. Maybe money flowed freely and, to you, money equaled fun. The first step to overcoming the pattern is to recognize the pattern is there in the first place. Money is a tool and we have the power in each of us to decide how we want to use that tool. The more educated we are around money and the more we recognize the good and the bad habits we have created around money, the more we can have control over how money makes us feel.

Christen: We repeat the patterns that we see in our lives growing up. A huge amount of brain growth happens while we are young and whether we are aware of it or not, our parents (or other caregivers) are teaching us how to live, think, and behave. It is important to acknowledge and reflect on the role money played in our families’ lives growing up. One quote that I find rings true over and over while working with clients in therapy is, “We repeat what we don’t repair” -Christine Langley Obaugh. It takes intentional work to address patterns in our own lives to do things differently. A great first step is awareness but unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen from good intentions or saying “I’ll never turn out like my parents”. In therapy sessions a counselor can help you work through overcoming unhealthy or maladaptive patterns in your life.

No matter how hard I try it seems like I am always living paycheck to paycheck. Why is it that I can never seem to get ahead financially? How do I overcome this road block?

Leanne: Understanding your “money mind” or your instinctive responses to how you make financial decisions is important to overcoming this road block. I walk my clients through exercises and guided conversations that allow us to discover their feelings and triggers around money. Yes, money is emotional and how we use money is habitual. I encourage you to start by writing down all your habits around money. For example, “when I see a Starbucks, I grab a coffee to-go.”, “when I receive my paycheck, I automatically put $100 into my savings account”, “I automatically contribute 3% to my employer’s 401k”, “when a friend needs some cash, I don’t hesitate to Venmo them some money”. These habits that you list can be good, bad, or neutral. It doesn’t matter - the first step is to simply recognize the habits in play within your life. Once you have your list, go through and highlight all habits you would classify as “not healthy” for your financial life. Awareness is often half the battle. Creating a plan for when those bad habits start to creep up will help you overcome this road block. Maybe it’s “I will allow myself 3 coffee-to-gos a month”, “If a friend needs cash, I will put the same amount I Venmo them into my savings account”, etc. Be aware, be intentional, be successful.

Christen: I love Leanne’s advice to begin by writing down all your habits around money. There is so much we do in life without awareness. Have you ever found yourself mindlessly driving to work/school/church/home? Even though we might physically be in the car our minds can easily be somewhere else (especially when we are doing a task that involves little of our attention). Spending can easily become a very task that happens with little or no awareness. We can purchase things with a click of a button online or maybe we aren’t involved at all and a subscription fee that is coming out of our account every month. When you think about increasing your mindfulness about spending, start with thinking about what you CAN do. If you haven’t been mindful about money recently the task can feel overwhelming. Maybe you set a small goal of looking through all of your subscriptions and making sure they make sense for your financial situation/goals. Or maybe you decide to take your credit card information off of Amazon so that you have to enter it at every purchase - giving your brain extra time to think about if it is really necessary.

What’s wrong with me? I have guilt around my spending habits and mentally, I don’t know how to overcome these feelings?

Leanne: Let me start by saying this: nothing is wrong with you. I know those unwelcomed feelings and I’ve been there. Becoming educated to know how to be a wise steward of your money and to be aware of your financial decision instinct will help pave a new path for you. I want you to stop reading this right now and give yourself credit for one thing you have done in your financial life. Thank yourself for the savings you may have. Thank yourself for the giving heart you may have. Thank yourself for showing up and reading this blog. Thank yourself for wanting to learn and take action. Thank yourself for where you are at right now. No matter your financial status, how much you have in the bank, the size of your retirement portfolio, the financial comparison game runs its course. Don’t allow yourself to fall in that trap and take efforts to remove yourself from things that spark the comparing. Remember, your financial wealth is a marathon, never a sprint.

Christen: I think a helpful place to start is recognizing that our decisions are different from our identity. There might be something wrong with your decisions around money but there is not anything wrong with you. Shame researcher Brene Brown states, “I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” So, take a deep breath. As you’ve been reading through this blog and reflecting on your spending, maybe some guilt has come up. And honestly, maybe that is not a bad thing. Let the guilt motivate and hold you accountable to the values and life you want to live.

So, where do I even start?

Christen: Think about what values you want your life to reflect. Our values drive our behavior and each one of us has a different value system. For example, some of us might have a value of being secure in life and that may drive us to save more money. Someone else might put a higher value on adventure and growth and may be driven to spend less on amenities but more on travel. When you are honest with yourself, do your current spending habits line up with your life values? Take inventory of your spending habits and start with realistic goals about changing small habits.

Leanne: The starting point is to bring awareness and intentionality toward your finances. So often, the intense feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and fear are the cues that allow us to realize our financial situation is not where we want it to be. Examine the roots and plant new seeds. You will soon begin to reap flourishing new fruits and new growth. You are not alone in this. I am passionate about helping people just like you overcome restricting barriers allowing their finances to not only survive, but thrive. Together, we can put steps in place to get you on the right path and moving forward, leaving behind any negative feelings you may have.

The challenge:

Leanne: Education and learning is one step. The next step is action and implementation. I want to challenge you, over the next month, to track your expenses and spending. Physically write them down and take note of what you’re spending and when. This will help you be able to identify some of those habits (good, bad, or neutral) that we discussed earlier.

Secondly, I encourage you to block of two dates on your calendar or put in reminders on your phone. Whatever method you chose, carve out time to review your spending, review your habits, and review your victories. We can track all we want but if we don’t take the time to reflect and look for room for growth, it won’t magically happen. Make this time fun! Maybe go out to a local coffee shop or review over a glass of wine. This shouldn’t be a “chore” but rather something you look forward to doing. It might take time to truly enjoy this dedicated reflection but the more habitual you are about doing it while pairing it with an environment you enjoy, the more our minds will see the beauty, freedom, and empowerment it brings.

Finally, the last part of my challenge to you is reach out if you need help or have questions. You are not alone and negative emotions or unknown answers should not determine your financial success. You determine it.

Fiduciary Financial Advisors, LLC is a registered investment adviser. Information presented is for educational purposes only and does not intend to make an offer or solicitation for the sale or purchase of any securities. Investments involve risk and are not guaranteed. Be sure to consult with a qualified financial adviser and/or tax professional before implementing any strategy discussed herein.

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