Emotional Flooding
In the dance of love and conflict within relationships, we often find ourselves caught in the whirlwind of emotional flooding. Coined by renowned psychologists Julie and John Gottman in their book Fight Right, emotional flooding refers to "that overwhelming sensation when our nervous system becomes hijacked in response to negativity from our partners". It's that moment when logic takes a backseat, and our bodies scream fight or flight, leaving us feeling attacked, misunderstood, and on edge.
Picture this: your heart races, palms sweat, and every word feels like a jab. You're no longer engaged in a rational conversation but rather locked in a battle for survival. In this state, it's easy to fall into one of three responses: fighting back, becoming defensive, or withdrawing altogether. These reactions, as the Gottman’s describe, often lead to destructive patterns where our partners morph into enemies or strangers, or we stop communicating with our partners altogether (stonewalling).
Recognizing the signs of flooding is the first step in regaining control. From shortness of breath to a pounding heartbeat, our bodies give us cues when we're reaching our breaking point. But here's the crucial point: our goal isn't to eradicate flooding entirely – that's unrealistic. Instead, we aim to become more attuned to our body's signals and take proactive steps to manage them.
When flooding hits, it's time for a strategic pause. This isn't about crafting the perfect comeback or stewing over past grievances; it's about soothing our frazzled nerves. The Gottmans advocate for intentional breaks to engage in activities that calm the mind and body – whether it's a brisk walk, soothing music, or simply lying down to catch your breath.
However, it's equally crucial to return to the conversation once both partners have regained their composure. Avoiding the conflict altogether only allows resentment to simmer beneath the surface, potentially exacerbating future disagreements. By coming back to the table with a clear mind and an open heart, couples can tackle issues head-on, fostering understanding and strengthening their bond.
The key is to resist the urge to jump back into the fray until a sense of calm has been restored. This isn't avoidance; it's self-preservation. By giving ourselves the space to decompress, we protect our relationships from unnecessary harm and pave the way for more constructive dialogue in the future.
So, the next time you feel the waves of emotional flooding rising, remember: pause, breathe, and take a step back. Your relationship – and your sanity – will thank you for it.
